Ever So Crazy
by MollyMittens
Summary: An interesting story of Helga as she discovers her sexuality. This WAS a one-shot, but as it turns out, it overshot it's self.
1. Ever So Crazy

Disclaimer: 1) I DO NOT OWN any of the characters represented hear. 2) This story contains graphic sex sex. If you don't approve, please move on to a story more to your liking.

Ever So Crazy

"Phoebe, you're sneaking out. Meet me at the usual place. I'll wait outside."

"Helga, I can't! You know I have a paper due tomorrow!"

"Oh come on Pheebs, you're smarter than everyone in school. I bet you could crap out that paper in a hour or less and STILL get an A."

"While that's very flattering of you to say, you know that's quite inaccurate. I'm sorry Helga, but I can't go out tonight. Maybe this weekend."

"Fine," I groan, "Talk to you later Ms. Brain." I hang up and lit a cig. Well, no sense wasting a good sneak, not that Bob and Miriam noticed. He was too busy screaming at the TV and Mom was too passed out to know WHAT was going on. Criminy! I bet I could walk in preggers and Dad wouldn't even realize till I had a kid hanging of my tits.

"Hey girl-no smoking! Put it out or leave!" A bouncer says, glaring at me. Jeez, I can't even lean on the wall anymore? I'm not even INSIDE and I can't smoke! Good one Giuliani. You sure made the streets safe again! Not... Oh well...better start walking before Mr. Steroids takes a whack at me, like I need that. The nights got a cool breeze anyway. Plus, I can go to that new place next door Phoebe's always too scared to try. I never got that. Her fake ID's are gold! Not a flaw on them. Man, why she doesn't make business out of that is beyond me. If I had her skills I'd be raking it in ALL day long.

I take a few last puffs of my cig and stomp it out, excited to see the inside of the black and purple building next to me. The silver flecks of paint shine right off the place and I almost get on my knees and praise this mother. Yes! Something new. Something Exciting! Something a little...dangerous. After all these months I can FINALLY go inside Stompin Soundz!

I walk up and show the bouncer my ID and he lets me in easy. YES! I drink it all up-the inside just as dark as the out. There are tables everywhere, a small stage in back and long bar to the right of me, lights along the length of it. Nirvana's Heart-Shaped Box plays on the speakers as I notice everyone is dressed like me- total grunge. Though some are wearing more black than I own, one guy damn near blending into the background. I take a seat at the bar when this rocker chick with thicker than thick red hair greets me. It puffs out in all directions, a really wild mane of fire.

"So, what'll it be?" She says, chewing something, "Jack? Barcrardi? Or, you could try today's Special, a Wild Bill. It's ever so tasty." Ever so? Who is this chick? Lila?

"I guess I'll try the Wild Bill."

"Good choice. ID?" I flash it to her and she smiles, giggling some before she makes it. She puts in front of me, leaning over as she says "Be careful with it. It's been known to make people every so drunk. Enjoy!" There she goes with the 'ever so' again. What is WITH that? I take a sip, letting the infusion of boozes relax me-chill me-and take me to places I LOVE to go. The women takes out a sign and puts it on the bar.

"Ok, listen up, bars closed for fifteen minutes. Showtime!" She walks out from under the bar and up to stage where a few others are gathering. Beaming- little Ms. Ever So takes the microphone as the rest of them take their axe's and drums.

"Ok, who's ready to ROCK!" Her drummer starts up and soon a cover of Nirvana's Rape Me fills the room. I can't take my eyes away, the redhead's voice just as smooth and raspy as Kurt's was.

The more she sings the more she sounds like him-impressively invoking the Governor of Grunge himself. I can't help but be soaked in and sucked in as she deftly works the mike. She gets crotch close to the stand, barely touching it when she takes the stand away and walks on the edge of the stage-her tight fitting deep forest green dress hugging her like I suddenly want to. Her fishnet tights catch my eye and I'm hooked. I HAVE to get to know her. I HAVE to know who she is. What she does do? Is this her only job? Is she in high school? If she is, would didn't I recognize her in the halls? Or would she be too plain then?

The crowd goes bonkers for her as she-amazingly-switches from Nirvana's All Apologies to Portishead's Humming, her voice making sweet love to my eardrums. I try to calm myself, dying to take her to some back room and rip off her dress, sucking her tits for all their worth. Come ON Pataki! Get it together! You love Arnold remember? Yea..right...like he'll come back from San Lorenzo. He's been gone for years and has yet to show any sign of returning-just as lost as his parents once were.

"It's been SOOO LONG," she sings, my heart rising higher with each note she graces me with. Oh the kisses I would place on her, the hands I could caress her with. The sugar I could suck from her...the charry I could pluck -loving the taste as I...NO! You have to calm down! But how! The bar does not open for another...five minutes. Criminy! This is going to the longest five minutes of your life... I try to wait, sweat dripping off me as the Lila-like siren continues to woo me with her silkiness-each word evoking dirtier and dirtier desires I didn't even know I had. And just when I'm about to burst-she finishes.

"I'd like to thank the band for my ever so nice performance, and lets not forget you fans! To the BAR!" Everyone erupts in cheers and she drives into the mob-throngs of hands touching her in places I wish my tongue could go. She jumps to the ground next me and enters the bar- face aglow in something.

"All finished I see. Another?" She asks.

"YES!"

"Alright-alright...calm down Fido. I'll make it for you. So you finally came into Stompin soundz. Like it so far?" She hands me the drink and I sip. Her hands touched this glass. And she's been sweating...oh..

"I...um...like it alot. Hehehe...my friend and I usually go the one next door. You know...The Rager? They barely card you." Crap! What if she's 21? Will she think my cards a fake now? Will she turn me in? CRAP! WHY did I say that?

"Oh yea...I did that a few months back. It's ok. For a start." I sip in relief. Thank God! She won't turn me in. So she must be in High School then. So why don't I recognize her? Well, our school IS huge. Maybe she has classes in the other building and I just never ran into her.

"This is ever so nice, you know," she says, making herself a drink, "I'm really glad that you came here."

"You are?"

"Yea...I don't know..I just kinda assumed that since it took Arnold a while to get over me that you'd ever so hate me. But you don't!" What the...I...what? Oh dear god! She does not LOOK like Lila. SHE IS LILA! I have been lusting after Lila THIS WHOLE TIME? Oh God. Ohhhhh GOD!

I gulp the entire drink again, my whole world spinning around me in circles. Maybe it was the drink! Yea-yea! She said the drink does something right? Maybe the something-or-other made me gay? Oh..who am I kidding! You don't just MAKE someone gay. They either are, or aren't. And if I'm gay then what does that say about Arnold? Does he look girlish to me? Or...wait...maybe I'm not gay...I'm bI! Yea...maybe...ok...now you are going insane.

"Hello? Earth to Helga!"

"What?" I raise my head from the bar, suddenly realizing it's been down there for a solid five minutes. Great. Just fucking great.

"So let me ask you..." I slur, "What's with the grunge getup? I thought you were all home on prairie and everything."

"That was years ago. And I only wore that to make my father happy."

"Wait...so...you're not nice anymore? Or..." She sighs some, rolling her eyes.

"Helga, just because I dress differently and sing Nirvana now doesn't mean I'm not ever so nice anymore. I'm still nice to my father and I still get good grades. I just changed how I have fun."

"What does your dad think?"

"I'll tell you when he finds out."

"So wait...how can you serve booze? You're still in high school."

"Shhh! Not so loud! They think I'm 22!" Crap! I slink in my chair, sliding back. Her drummer comes up for a beer, her hair just as wild as Lila-only black.

"Girl we ROCKED!" Lila hands over a Shocktop adding,

"Don't you know it! Your beats are ever so amazing! I don't know HOW you do it!"

"And I don't know how YOU do it! It was like Kurt came back from the dead or something!" I look at them-the image still hitting me like a ton of bricks. Here it is. Lila-the school's resident goody-goody rocking out harder than I ever dreamed of. Not that I REALLY dreamed of it of course. It's just...I had a rep you know? People knew there was one hardcore woman around here and it was Helga G. Pataki. Heh. Was. Past tense. I WAS the hardcore chick until little miss Lila usurped me.

What a bitch! What a boob! And yet...how I want to touch your hair! How I want to stroke every strand to know your real and not a dream! How I want to hug your perfect waist and nestle my head into your breasts-telling you every last thought in my head until I'm out of air! But would you take me? Or would you reject me like I feared the bouncer would at the door? I have to know! But what if you don't feel the same? What then? I hear a cell, and for a second I fear it might be Bob when I remembered he'd NEVER call.

"Damn! It's my mom. I got to go. See you tomorrow Li!" The drummer downs the Shock Top beer and rushes out, leaving me with Lila. Just me... and Lila.

"I should go too you know...I mean it's so late and-"

"Helga it's only 11:30."  
"I know...but it's a school night...and...I...I..." Suddenly she's sitting next to me with a drink. Her arm hairs grace mine and I almost lose it. Almost grab her and-

"Helga..."

"Huh?"

"Come on...what were you going to say!"

The fake fruit smell of the bathroom cleanser envelopes my nose as Lila's tongue swirls around mine. I try to calm down but I can't stop myself from pressing her silky body up against the band stickered wall. Her arms, my arms, sliding and roaming every inch of us. I bust open her top and go for her milky breasts, loving how perfect and round her bra makes them. Heavy breathing, a blur of smeared makeup...all melding into something I have dreamt of feeling. An orgasm builds, getting closer and closer with each touch.

I want to stop and figure this all out when Lila fingers my clit, her other hand guiding me to hers. I can't think. I can't break away, my hand mimicking Lila's light and pleasurable clit dance. And then...just when I think I can speak, I breathe "YES! YES! YES!" A wave relaxation splashes over me as Lila cums second-bucking under my hand as her sugar-laced "Yes's" kiss my skin. Without thinking we collapse into each other.

"That was good..."I sigh, "fuck me..."

"I think I just did," Lila says.

"So...what now?"

"Whatever you want. I have to get back to the bar."

"But..." Lila unhooks herself from me and turns to check herself in the dirt splotched mirror. I want to get up and hug her from behind, yet I can't, tied down by the complexity of what I just did, and what it might mean. Lila reaches for the door, pauses,

"Hey Helga..."

"Yes Lila?"

"We should get coffee sometime. That would be ever so sweet! Bye!" And just like that she opens the door, notes of Nirvana's My Girl wafting in from the bar and beyond.

"My Girl...My Girl..."


	2. A New Ice Cream Flavor

A New Ice Cream Flavor.

The sun cracked in through the window. Criminy did my head hurt. What did I DO last night? I sit up in bed, the images somehow breaking through my throbbing skull. Lila, me, the bathroom...OH GOD...did we? Did I...I have to talk to Pheebs before school! Like, NOW!

I take a quick shower and wash off last night, Lila's ketchup red lipstick running off me faster than she kissed it on. It felt so good. And yet, so confusing. I tried to concentrate on getting clean, but ALL I could think about was how dirty I was. How being with Lila made me somehow untouchable. Stained. What did that even MEAN? What did ANYTHING mean anymore? Did Arnold's leaving make me...I mean I know you don't just MAKE someone...they just...are...I guess. Right? RIGHT? I have to get to Phoebe!

"Is that shampoo in your hair?"

"Criminy Pheebs! FOCUS!" I finish off my second cup of coffee and start my third cig.

"Right! Well...for most of the 20th century The Diagnostics and Statistical Manual classified homosexuality as a mental illness. When it was removed from the DSM II in 1973 people started to see sexuality as kind of a three-pronged fork. You were either hotomosexual, heterosexual, or both, meaning bisexual. But studies have since showed that gender as well as sexuality is more like a spectrum rather than a fork. You could be strongly heterosexual, strongly homosexual, strongly bisexual, or anywhere in between."

"So where does this leave me!"

"San Francisco?" she giggles. The waiter comes by with my third cup and I grab it, not caring that it's covered in foam.

"But what about...you know...ice cream."

"Sounds to me like you want a whole new flavor."  
"Meaning I must be gay, right?" I let out a cloud of smoke.

"Helga...for years people have been confined to one box, one option. But you don't have to! If I tell you what I THINK you are you'll accept it because you're desperate for an answer, and my answer could be wrong! Sorry to say this Helga, but until you figure this out for yourself, you'll never know."  
"But...but..."

"Come on...let's get to school." And run into Lila? NO WAY! Not after...OK! Get yourself together Hel-girl! You can DO this. You didn't even recognize her in the bar...chances are she'll blend blend in like always and you'll do the same and nothing will change until the end of freaking time! I gulp my last cup and stomp out my cig, not wanting to get into with the teachers.

It's not that I care or anything, it's just...I can't take the lectures. And the calls home. Everytime they get one Miriam always slurs to me, "I didn't bring you into this world just so you could smoke your way out!" Right, and drinking rum-soaked smoothies is...what? Doctor recommended? Yea probably by that quack on TV Dr. Oz. I mean, criminy! How many lies can this guy sell a second? Man...Oh well...I have to get more smokes anyway. I wonder if Lila smokes...Nah...she wouldn't! Would she?

I see her in my head, her hair wild like an animal, dress tight as snake skin, and a long thin Virgina Slim sticking out of her pouty mouth. She lets the smoke slip out the sides as I float to her, dying to stick my tongue where the cig is...to catch the blessed puffs as they leave my woman. Wait? MY woman? Is she mine? What am I THINKING! I need HELP!

"HELLO! Earth to HELGA!" Phoebe says, snapping her fingers.

"Huh? Oh, sorry Pheebs."

"Hurry up! We'll be late!" I get up and leave a Lincoln on the table. The caffeine is already swimming through me and I know today is going to suck. And it's too late to ditch! Sides...I have to...OH MY GOD! Is that Lila! I see her walking towards us, in the same gingham getup she's always in, her hair down and flat. My god...she looks amazing with flat hair! So smooth! So Silky! So...sexy...What am I saying! CRAP!

"HIDE!" I grab Phoebe's hand and dart us to the other side of the building. I peer back and see her walking past the coffee shop, chewing on some gum. I would KILL for that piece of...NO! Get a hold of yourself!

"This again Helga? Hide all you want but I'M not going to loose my Ivy League spot just because you can't deal with your emotions."

"I AM dealing!" I whisper.

"No, you're hiding. Just like you always do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have advanced chem to get to." She lets go of my hand and walks forward to school, leaving me to jitter away. That's it...I'm calling Dr. Bliss.

"And that's why I came to see you," I say, my legs shaking against Bliss's long couch. Even after a full day of darting behind walls and rushing to classes to avoid Lila I am still buzzing, caffeine swarming inside me.

"I see," Bliss says as she hands me a glass of water. She sits with hers. I watch the ice, not her eyes.

"So what do you think it means? Does make me a lesbian?"

"There are many gay men and women who do heterosexual things but that doesn't make them anymore straight then your hook-up with Lila makes you a lesbian. What makes you a lesbian is your feelings. How did being with Lila make you feel?"

"Criminy! I don't know! Good, I guess."

"And why do you suppose you felt good? What about it was good?" The rush, the kissing...Lila's wild yet soft hair, her sugary skin...But mostly... it was the fact that for once I didn't back off or hide away. I went for something, and got it. I didn't hesitate, I didn't keep silent, I just...let go. Let my body feel what it's supposed to feel.

"I don't know..." I start, "I mean...at first I thought it was the Wild Bill's I had. But now that I think of it...it had to be because I finally went for something I wanted. With Arnold I was SO scared of what people would think, that he would say no if I asked him out. But when I saw Lila, really saw her for who she was, I KNEW I wanted more than conversation. Something about her drew me in."

"Ah..."

"And..." I pause. And what? If Lila's honestly with herself attracted me to her, then what attracted me to Arnold?

"And?"

"And nothing! OK!"

"You're getting pretty defensive for just 'nothing.'"

"So, I can get defensive if I want to. Free country bucko!"

"Helga, you know that when you get defensive you're setting up walls around your problems, and that's not healthy. You can't wall off what you don't understand. You have to face it."

"But what if facing it means redefining myself as a person? What if...criminy why does this have to be so HARD!" I flap back on the long couch, the image of Arnold floating above my head. He winks, his transparent face slowly fading into the ceiling. Is that what I'm doing? Letting my feelings for him fade? Or am I realizing that my feelings for Arnold were always faded, tainted by the background of my reality, just as his face was now tainted by the background of Bliss's ceiling.

But then...if my feelings for Arnold weren't real, what is? My feelings for Lila? Or my feelings of being alone, destined to walk the world with only my footprints to follow.

I silently go over my life, desperately combing out what's real. My friendship with Phoebe, my sisters unending want for a connection we'll never have, and my parents Bob and Miriam. Bob yelling for a white belt, Miriam shrinking in the corner with a smoothie...and...oh god? Is THAT why I liked Arnold so much? I sit up, trying to process my burgeoning epiphany.

"I think..." I start again, "I think...maybe...I never really loved Arnold at all. I just loved the idea of him, the idea that his family could be wacky yet, loveable. That even without parents he was cared for. But mostly, I loved how he paid attention to me. Criminy... that first day of preschool...without even knowing me he gave his umbrella so I could get dry. I wanted all of that. Every, little, bit."

"And what did you want when you saw Lila?" Bliss asks.

"Her," I say firmly, "I-I wanted her."

"Then meet Lila for coffee! See where it goes!"

"And then what?"

"And then maybe you can be happy for once." Happy? Me?

"Well, I believe that's all the time we have for today. Let's meet next week at our usual time, OK!" Bliss gets up and writes the appointment down in her book and hands me a reminder card. I stare at it as I get up, contemplating a move that could change the core of me. That could finally help me be...happy. Huh.


End file.
